The reality of loneliness

How can you be lonely if you have so many people around you? That is the question i ponder daily. But the truth is… that is my reality!!!! Reading forums around being a mum there are many other parents around that feel the same but what makes it more difficult is when there is a disability involved. Currently i have a husband, parents, in laws, family and colleagues and to them i am Rachel, a girl with 2 beautiful boys with, granted… additional needs and a loving husband, who if i’m blowing my trumpet… has her shit together. However, that is a far cry from the reality that i feel everyday. I love my life and have battled mental health issues for years but i have strategies and methods in place to support that so the odd bad day is nothing to worry about. But how do you go about feeling so lonely in a world full of people that THINK…. you have your shit together. This is the quandary that i have been battling with for a couple of years and this blog allows me to analyse it and also gives me a voice to express how i live in this world.

The reality is that my world is so small. Its that way because of some of the barriers that having 2 boys with additional needs bring, also the responsibilities as a mummy but also some of my own difficulties. See i’m dyslexic so that brings with it a lot more than just crap spelling and reading words backwards, it brings difficulties with information processing and articulating my feelings. This has always been a difficulty as i try to say one thing but it gets misconstrued and comes out in a completely different way. As you can imagine this is frustrating and also leaves the sense of never being heard or understood. But what if that is not the only thing that has lead to this never ending feeling of loneliness??

So to offer you a sob story I have no friends…. when i say that, what i mean is i don’t have any friends that i keep up to date with, someone who checks in on me regularly or is up to date with my life or welfare. I do have an amazing sister-in-law who will probably read this as she is a beacon of hope and sends me funny motivational memes and videos to keep my mental health in check, so yes you could say i have a friend and that has my welfare in her current mind, buts that the long and short of it. But i do have amazing parents who always call, and to put it bluntly, keep me from going insane. With understanding our situation and helping us to carry the extra load which we are truly grateful for and couldn’t function without them. But as a 35 year old there is that absent of true friendships that i can lean on when times are tough or know when things are going a little south so build you up before things fall a little further.

So for example… i had a recent health scare before i went on holiday which i shared with my husband. As you can imagine we were petrified!!!! All i kept thinking was, how are we going to manage if i need treatment? who will support lee with the boys? and eventually… how would i survive??? I attended the clinic which was a 4 hour session, and as i was sitting in the waiting room i just had a thought…. I had no moral support!!! Granted i’m not a much of a sharer but most people have regular conversations about their life and general chit chat about whats going on in the world and that’s when these things crop up or at least an acknowledgement that there may be something going on for someone that needs exploring. But as i don’t have that luxury in my life, no-one knew i was going through this and that this terror had been circling my mind for the last 2 weeks. Luckily to inform you all that everything is fine and I’ve been given the all clear but this is a reminder to everyone that those regular check ins or catch ups are really important as someone may be having a tough time and waiting for someone to ask “If they are OK?”

As a reflective person anyway i have always scrutinised myself for my lack of friendships and relationships but there may be a bigger reason why i find myself in my current situation!!! In January of this year i was referred for an autism assessment myself ( 2 year waiting list so you will have to hold out for the verdict of that). Its an interesting topic because most people in society see ASD as the traits of a young boy, however it is displayed in girls differently as well as older women. Looking back at my life a lot of things are falling into place and the realisation why i have always struggled with maintaining relationships with friends.

I’ve had really close friendships all my life where i live and die by that person but the common factor in all of these is that i get ghosted and then never see them again. This has hurt and damaged me over the years as i can not understand what i had done wrong. Never an argument or a fight just puff and there gone. Additionally to that i have girls that i go for drinks with or events but there is no relationship in between these and even though it is a relationship is it really a friendship??? To me a friendship is someone that you have a connection with, a care and interest and ultimately some sense of love or fondness for. This concludes why my friendships fizzle out because actually the relationship is not consistent and your left with more obligation than commitment.

Issue number 2- I am very literal and black and white (literally and ethnically HA!) This means that i struggle with flowery language and conversations. I’ll give you an example and i know my team leader wont mind but it sums up how things go for me and how amazing she is to adjust her working methods to support me. During a supervision at work my team leader asked me so very carefully and kindly if i would like to write a case study of someone i was working with. I responded with “no thank you”. You may read this and think “Why is Rachel being so stubborn” or a few different variations of that. Looking into the screen (Remember this was in the time where Zoom was our only connection) i saw the confusion and disappointment on her face. She responded by stating that she wanted me to do one as it would be good for our charity etc …. I explained to her that she had asked me a question if i wanted to do it, and honestly and clearly i didn’t. However if i needed to do one and it was a direction then i would do it, no issues. Having a discussion with her and my colleagues i could explain that i just need clear questions, directions and orders because mentally it is exhausting as well as really difficult for me to try and piece together, analyse and decipher all that information to what people ACTUALLY mean when it can be put into a single statement that is clear and to the point…… “Can you write me a case study for that please for the funding?” “YES!!!”. Simple, understood and saves me a a lot of confusion and frustration on what you ACTUALLY mean from a long winded (Caring and sensitive) approach.

I work for an amazing charity and all of my colleagues are amazing and caring and understanding. I’ve been able to share this with them and they have adapted and welcomed me with open arms. If i am honest when i go into work it is the only place (Besides my home) i feel i can be pretty much 90% myself (The other 10% is include my non- professional and dark humored side) . I don’t have to worry about how i say things or what i say. I don’t have to struggle awkwardly with general chit chat or feeling anti social if i sit in a separate room alone from my team because i need to self regulate or have some alone time. It’s that understanding that lightens the load that i have been carrying all my life. That anxiety that people think i’m brash, mean, angry, inconsiderate, selfish, anti social, uncaring, weird, aloof, thick, lazy or emotional unstable. The truth is i’m VERY sensitive, i’m anxious all the time about how i come across to people, I’m an activist and advocate for equality and kindness. I would move heaven and earth to help someone and i live everyday by providing an act of kindness to people i meet. But still… no friends.

This is not a dig at anyone that is i my life and i love you all but maybe an opportunity to re evaluate your relationships and ask yourself if you are giving as much as you need and also to think about times that people have asked to meet up or go for a coffee and you’ve replied “we will arrange it” but never got round to it. They may be asking for connection, an opportunity to offload or talk or maybe to just let a little light into their loneliness. You find that people like me become hermits. We love to stay in the comfort of our little worlds because its safe, its concrete and stable. The world is a very confusing place and when you are battling through the grey areas of life trust begins to falter. I understand that there is no menace behind false promises but for someone like me or someone with a literal mind it breaks down relationships and builds up higher walls. So if you have every said “We will arrange it” and it never happens or “We will meet up for coffee next month” and 3 months have passed or “i’ll come round next week” and you’ve forgotten about it, think about the impact that has on that other person, think about how a throw away statement for you may be a lifeline for someone else. In a world that is so fast paced, lets think about the people whose world is so small and may not have the opportunities to open doors to the bigger world.

The single parents who has no support or childcare

The families with children with disability who are limited on where they can go or what they can do

The individuals who have anxieties of how to reach out and worry about being a burden

The people who are battling with life changing diagnosis’ or life experiences who have lost who they are as they are so consumed with surviving

There are many more examples and probably people in your friendship groups or families that are in need of someone to open a door and allow them to exit the chaos of their world for a few moments. There may be people like me in your lives that seem to have their shit together but when you look at the challenges they face everyday, a little more understanding and a chance to reconnect with who they are may actually change their life

Stay safe, be kind and look out for each other because you never know what someone is going through unless you give them the opportunity to share.

Love always

Rachie xxx