Coping with uncertainty

When you feel you are trying to keep your head above water

Sunday is the deadline for me writing my vows, finalising the registrar documents, packing for our caravan holiday on monday and celebrating my sons 3rd birthday, however none of that is probably going to come to fruition and the uncertainty is something I’m having to learn to deal with.

On the 22nd may 2020 I am meant to be marrying my best friend and even thou I’ve just had a baby and recently moved house, I have just got into wedding mode. Rushing around looking for wedding dresses (as I didn't reach my target to fit into the one I bought before I was pregnant) confirming numbers, arranging food and getting the boys outfits ready has been stressful but part and parcel I’m planning a wedding, however with the current climate and everything that is going on, it is looking less likely we will be able to get married in 8 weeks time. The honeymoon we booked is in my married name so will not be able to go unless we are married so that’s another obstacle.

The not knowing is the hardest thing as anyone who struggles with uncertainty, knows that planning and order make things easier to deal with stress and anxieties. But how do you cope when all that is taken away from you? The added pressure of being a parent and worrying about the Corona virus is just the cherry on top.

What I have learnt over the last couple of weeks is that I cant worry about that are beyond my control. I cant control if my honeymoon is cancelled or if we cant get married in may. I cant control that the holiday parks have closed and our holiday is cancelled but what i can control is how I let it affect me. I can prioritise my worries and take steps to limit the damage, look at the positives and think about the potential outcome.

So… if we cant get married then We will rearrange, we have insurance and even thou it’s a pain as everything including the wedding cake topper has that date on but does it really matter? I still get to marry my best friend, I still have everything prepared and the venue will have to honour providing a service at some point or refund us. The holiday is cancelled, well we can have a holiday at home. Eat all the crap we were going to eat, order the takeaways, make our own holiday cocktails and enjoy family time. Ted’s birthday… yes it really sucks but you know what, as long as we know it’s his birthday and we make it special he won't remember anyway.

Being on maternity I am lucky that I don't leave the house that much with the little ones but I worry about my dad who is in the vulnerable group and how he will be affected if he catches it. But as i said before it’s about taking control of what you can. I can keep my hands clean, make sure we dont hug or have too much contact and keep his spirits up.

All this said its so hard to not panic, to not jump on the bandwagon and clear the shelves in the case of self isolating but a what I have learnt is instead of thinking about me and my anxieties, think about others. Think about the less unfortunate. Think about the elderly who cant get their weekly shop, think about the people that wont get paid because their bosses are shutting up shop. Ask yourself…. are your worries as life altering as those? If not then try to prioritise your worries and ride the wave. If they are, then think about ways of reaching out for help

UPDATE… 30TH MARCH 2020

So I began writing this post over a week ago when the uncertainty was unbearable, however my concerns had been confirmed… wedding rearranged, mum and dad in isolation for 3 months. But with time brings new anxieties, nurseries closed so ted no longer gets his one to one support which terrifies me as with his autism he tends to digress when he isn’t having the repetition, let alone the lack of routine he has become used too, but he is a trooper and coping well. Like many parents across the country we are trying to be teachers and give the little ones the support they need to carry on learning as well as trying to keep the running of the house and get on with our day to day lives.

For all those who have key workers living in their homes it is TERRIFYING knowing that you are doing all you can do to keep your family safe and try and help in the fight of this virus by staying at home, getting deliveries dropped at the door, disinfecting door handles etc but the added stress that loved ones are on the front line, putting themselves in danger having to keep the country running and then coming back into your little bubble and bringing that potential hazards with them. For me, I accept that it’s a danger but the impact it is having on my partner is greater. He worries that he will be putting our little ones in danger, family members and neighbours he is doing food shops for, but we have to do what we can to stay safe.

I have learnt to not watch too much about what’s going on because it can drive you crazy and make anxieties worse. If you find all the media information, overwhelming then what can you do???? You can limit what you read, watch and search for social media that lift spirits. I’ve recently found tik tok. Don't know how to use it but I love watching videos that make me laugh out loud. Take my mind of the world which we are currently living. I ask lee to give me the main points from the prime ministers daily briefing so i dont have the opportunity to analyse it to every inch of its life. I make sure that i focus on what I’m doing at home, my own issues, my own wellbeing and those around me. Fear, anger and anxieties are not going to do me any favours in building my wellbeing during this scary time so get a focus on what you can control and what is going on currently in your home.

I’m a very compassionate person and think about others way too much but at this time we need to focus on playing our part in all of this. It makes my blood boil that people think it’s ok to meet up with people or go to someone else's house for the day but it’s not ok!!!! How would you feel if you were the catalyst in someone vulnerable death? How would you feel if you being naive meant that you were the person passing around this virus because you didn’t get any symptoms but it travelled from you to someone who couldn’t fight it? Think about that. There are instances we cant help, like key workers, food shopping, prescriptions, health care but that’s it!!!! Plain and simple. Your being asked to get paid and sit on your arse, not get dressed, do all the things you complain you don’t have time to do, to not worry about looking amazing or sitting in traffic, making small talk with those people you can’t bear but to stay at home and be creative. Find ways of keeping in touch more with people that you keep forgetting to touch base with. To find a new hobby, to spend more time with your pets, to give your kids an extra squeeze. Yes it’s hard… I get that. I have a 6m old and a 3 year old who is non verbal with autism and a little bugger at times but I’m doing it because I love them. I miss my parents who are forced to stay in self isolation but I speak to them all the time over the phone. I’m sacrificing my freedom so that when this is all over I can give them a massive kiss and hug and celebrate all our bravery and sacrifices to come out the other end. The alternative is coming out the other side and having noone to kiss, no one to celebrate with because they didn’t make it though the struggle because you were too selfish to put them first. I make no apologies for my bluntness and tool be fair there are many people out there that would benefit from someone being Frank with them about the impact on their behaviour.

Be brave and take care of yourselves. Your stronger than you think and I hope that we continue to be as creative, compassionate and loving as many people have become in these difficult times.