The Pressures of being a mum

The pressure can be unbearable

Waking up at 2.30am as my little boy decided to have a party in his bedroom till 5.30am, my start to the day was less than ideal. Looking over at my partner who was snoring like a tuba and was unaware of the rave that was taking place in the next room. Granted i am a light sleeper and as we are trying to get Ted in his own bed i am naturally on edge awaiting the click of the light switch in his room. Knowing that it was time to project manage the situation and reaching ever closer to that 6.30am alarm for nursery, i gave up on waiting for him to pass out during his destructive rampage and just put him back in his cot for damage limitation purposes and just went downstairs. I lay on the sofa for a while thinking i would get an hour or so sleep but instead….. i cried. I cried so hard all the anger, torment, guilt, frustration of the last couple of months just fled my body. I was tired of being judged, tired of all the comments (Intentional or not) and tired of being called over emotional or hormonal. I may be 6 months pregnant with our second rainbow baby but the truth of the matter is too much pressure and expectation is put on us as mothers.

I admit i am a control freak and like things done a certain way, i am also a martyr on occasions and take on the world because people around me are less proactive than myself but that doesn’t stop the stabbing pain i get when family or friends make comments about my son or my parenting. Don’t get me wrong, i am very lucky to have such loving friends and family around us who care so much about our family and i know they do not understand the impact that their comments and opinions have on an already anxious mummy who is learning everyday on the job.

To put it into context…. My anxieties started when Ted was born, some new mums relish in staying in the house for weeks and being in comfortable surroundings at home allowing family and friends to visit on their terms, for me… no chance. Day 2 of being at home we were out visiting family as everyone wanted a piece of the newborn, soon as i walked into the house, my beautiful, amazing newborn would be whisked out of my arms and passed around like a game of pass the parcel while i just looked on at this baby that 48 hours earlier had been physically attached to me and now paraded around like a prize turkey at Christmas. From that day, the 2 weeks of paternity that my partner had for us to spend time learning and being a family was destroyed in my eyes. Out of the 14 days we had together to commence this new frightening journey and adjust to our new life, we spend a total of 3 days just the 3 of us. The rest of the time was being ferried around showing of my new prize. This may all sound dramatic but 2 years later it has had a profound affect on me and i am very protective around my boy. I think people who are about to have a new addition to a family get over excited and forget to put the situation into context…. This person has just been though a major, physical and extremely emotional situation and needs time to adjust to this flurry of emotion and drastic change to life. Instead what you get is pressure to let the customers have a good look and ask about every detail of how you were ripped a part while all you want to do is stare in amazement at your new bundle of joy and not make small talk. Even now, i hate it when people take Ted straight out of my arms or out of the car and walk off with him. It feels like someone is ripping him from my heart and i hate it.

Its this inconsideration that begins the pressure on being a mum as there is an expectation that we have to cater to the needs of everyone around us, we need to introduce this amazing creature to every tom, dick and harry and forget about our needs and wants because we have 9 months of maternity to bond with our baby. Well actually some people can not take that much time off to spend with their baby and may feel the guilt right from the word go. For me the 2 weeks of paternity are vital because its the only time i get to spend with my partner unconditionally with our family, once he is back to work i’m alone. He is a prison officer and does not have access to his phone during the day. Yes i can call him at work but he may be out and a bout or attending an incident and that takes priority over an overwhelmed mummy so i want to make the most of having him at home.

If we looked at the bigger picture and understood or even remembered what it was like to have our own babies then we would be a little more compassionate to new mummies and what they may be going through. Don’t get me wrong, i remember throwing my baby at family as i crawled onto the sofa for an hour power nap and i know that i have a lot of people around me who want to help, its not about cutting those ties or slagging off loved ones, the intention is to awaken peoples senses to put the new parents needs and wants first before bombarding them with times and dates for visits.

Back to my point. In a foul mood after waving goodbye to my family at the door, i was too frustrated to sleep so i decided to catch up on some TV and a documentary caught my eye “Louis Theroux, Mothers on the Edge” if you have not seen it, its a major eye opener and a reminder that we are all susceptible of battling a mental health condition. The main premise of the documentary was about mothers who were struggling with different mental health conditions following childbirth. Some were new mums and some had previous children but felt overwhelmed and in some circumstances suicidal as they battled with their emotions. The main theme was this expectation that is placed on mothers to feel a rush of love when their baby is born and then feeling guilt and disappointment in themselves when they can not live up to that expectation. For any mums out there that is feeling that guilt of not living up to the expectations of motherhood, What was my first feelings when my beautiful boy entered the world at 7.44pm on a Tuesday evening “SHIT…. i am now responsible for keeping a human alive!!!!” so no i didn’t have the rush of emotions or the family photo cradling our new born as we cried together and sung some sweet lullaby, it was more of look of panic and confusion that this was the start of our new lives and in that moment all of my self indulgent plans were being crossed of my calendar.

For some reason we expect mums to be super heroes and take control of everything, but unfortunately we can forget things and our brains are not backed up to the cloud. For example, i have lots of things to plan or remember when it comes to my boy, Is his nursery back packed? has he got the correct dummies and hippo for nap time? is his medication and creams in his bag? have i packed his Pjs for when he has a bath at nanny’s? is his swimming bag packed and is there a change of nappies? Is his changing bag replenished? What is he having for tea? do i need to contact the doctors about his repeat prescription before he runs out?When is his next appointment for ASD? (autistic spectrum disorder), research ASD and complete the mound of paperwork and family history forms that are needed for that appointment. Just to name a few. Not to blow my own trumpet……. (actually yes i will blow my own trumpet like we should all do as mums) but 90% of the time i nail it. I have my shit together and actually i fist pump the air and do a booty shake BUT….. sometimes i forget or i’m overwhelmed or having a bad day or actually i have a job to think about and the crap that comes with that so no, i haven’t got anything out for Teds tea, i have not filled up his nappies in his changing back and hell no i have not pack his dummy but you know what its about time someone else picked up the shit my mind forgot to remember instead of the smart comments or disappointing glares.

For people who know me, i struggle with my anxieties anyway and being a mum adds fuel to the fire as any mum at some point has felt that they are inadequate or doing a shit job. Surrounding ourselves with cheerleaders and reassuring people is great as it allows us to be open and honest about the highs and lows of motherhood. However, the truth of the matter is after the first year people lose that over sensitive approach and think that by now you should have it nailed and the sarcasm or sly comments ( whether intentional) creep in and if your like me you will read between the lines and a simple comment of ” His hair is long at the front” gets translated into “Why have you not cut his hair and why are you not looking after him properly”. I hold my hands up and know that many of my reactions and anxieties are from my misinterpretation of comments from others but it is not new information that i am this way inclined so i beg to the people out there who are around mums or dads that may have anxieties or can get overwhelmed by their situation to be more kind, understanding and accepting. Because if you do not you are adding to the damage and fueling the anxieties that they may already feel whether you intend to or not.

Having a son who has additional needs is hard on your self esteem as you constantly feel that their is something that you should have done or that you have failed them. You feel that you want to know everything that is possible to know about their difficulties and protect yourself with knowledge and information about what is the path ahead. It can be a very lonely place as you feel that you become obsessive but you need to be when you are about to enter war fighting for your child’s needs and rights. But with this comes great responsibility as everyone around you wants to be updated and know what is happening or what is going on and it can be exhausting. But the contradiction to this wanting of updates is the advice and the denial from others. “Maybe you could do this, or have you tried that, He will grow out of it, he is still only young” The problem with comments like that is i turn into a character from Games of Thrones and defend the honour of my family. I know my child and i know what is best for my child. I do not need opinions or advice from outsiders when this is our life.

Me and partner always argue about the same things (When i mean argue i mean, i get angry and he just sits there)my inability to not care what others think. He has an amazing ability to not let things affect him that he doesn’t care about, where as me, i read between the lines and never on the lines. His priority is us. He doesn’t care what other people think or say as it is irrelevant as all he lives for is his family. But with this skill comes a great downside…. Laid back syndrome!!!! He has a moto of what will be will be and things will work out. I am a doer and things need to be done and i like to fight for what we deserve. So when i struggle with my emotions and the expectations of being a mum, it is great that he has a calm persona but i can feel very lonely and alienated in my feelings as he does not see things the way that i do. He doesn’t take in others advice and opinions as its non of their business and he doesn’t hold on to any worries or think too far into the future as the here and no is his focus. So basically the complete opposite to me!!! I am a very sensitive person and want to do the best by my family and i feel that i fail all the time by not meeting the expectations of the people around me. I am tired of defending my parenting and justifying my actions. I am sick of explaining how hurt i am by opinions and comments and exhausted in trying to hold my shit together all the time. I beg of you all, support and help, do not judge. If you have used the changing bag, check if its replenished and if not tell me. If we are running low on clean clothes, let me know ill wash some, don’t wait until there are non left to comment. We may be superheros but sometimes even wonder woman needs a day off or some help from the avengers!!!

Final thought

What i am trying to say is that there is a whole emphasis on being the best mummy in the world and being on top of our shit all the time when actually the reality is that being a parent is hard and you are doing your best whether your victory for that day is getting out of your pjs or making it an entire day without baby poo on your clothes, either way your nailing it. Secondly its a word of advice to the surrounding family and friends who want to do the best by you but are actually adding to the problem sometimes….. Take a step back and understand how you may be coming across. Yes you may have years of experience or have grown up children of your own but times are changing and the child in question is not yours so you don’t know everything. Instead of passing on judgement or advice ask how they feel or what they think. Give them a break if they have forgotten something and lay off the guilt… as mums we can create enough of that for an entire army. I know that no one that loves us has the intention to hurt us or offend us but you may be behaving in a way that is unintentionally driving a mummy up the wall or adding to the pressure that they are already placing on themselves. I write this blog in guilt as i feel that i am slagging all my loving friends and family off when actually i value all that they do for us, hence the anguish and turmoil i feel inside everyday battling the consequences of previous comments and behaviours but if i can give solace to other mummy’s out there who are maybe feeling the same as me then it is worth the guilt of being honest.