When noone understands

A Mother's Plea

Life has been pretty hectic for the Mason household for the last couple of months, family illnesses, teddys appointments, new baby, Christmas of course and the never ending wait to move house, but what I wasn’t expecting was the effect its had on my mental health. In all honesty i have really struggled and has recently hit me like a tone of bricks i feel lost.

The interesting thing is, having been at rock bottom before a nd keeping on top of my mental health issues I have learnt to be open and honest about my feelings, asking for help and talking though the issues. However I feel more lost than ever!!! Having two little ones and the added stress of moving house is one thing but the additional issues which I gave faced has knocked for 6. The house move keeps getting pushed back. “You will be in before christmas” then “before new year” then “13th jan” and now were in limbo. The house is rammed full of boxes and all the kids clothes, toys and possessions are packed away ready for the what I thought was our ‘imminent’ move. Our house is like tkmaxx. Rails and products piled high and it’s a battle to try and get though to the next department or in our case the kitchen. I’m a pretty organised person and find that having a clear and tidy home keeps my mind clear and tidy but adjusting to the pandemonium is a struggle.

But that’s just one hurdle. Life doesn’t stop and I still have the boys to take care of and with doctors appointments to try and solve Monty's milk allergy and skin infection I have teddys autism assessment appointments, his speech therapy appointments, liaising with nursery, making sure he is getting the correct support, spending the time to teach teddy to communicate through activities and PECS. Persevering with his targets as well as allowing him to be a toddler and wade his way through the abundance of obstacles we have in our hall way. The wedding…. chasing people to book rooms, delegating jobs, getting myself in shape to fit into that damn dress I bought before I was pregnant. Things keep mounting and something's got to give.

I try and talk about my struggles but it seems to fall on deaf ears. I’m responded with “the boys need a strong mummy” or “I know it’s hard we just have to get through it” which is not negative in itself but is received like a barrier which repels my issues right back at me. I watched an item on this morning the other day and it was the father who lost his ex wife and twin boys on the white farm massacre and he was talking about grief and how to try and battle it. Obviously I’m not going though grief but something he said resonated with me. He said ” you need someone to talk to who will listen. No advice, just to listen, to understand and to empathise” it hit me because i don't really have anyone who will just listen and accept what I’m saying for what it is. I am not complaining about my life or wanting to change it ( well I would like to move into this bloody house) but for someone to take what I’m say for what it is. To have someone understand that it’s tough the load I bare, it’s tough trying to fight for the support for teddy and also try to put the work in for him to talk. Develop and help him communicate. It’s frustrating watching your little boy become upset and frustrated because he doesn’t know how to tell you he's hungry, thirsty or sad. The guilt cripples me because I don't know what to do. It’s easy for people to say “you have to keep up with his work” and ” teach him new words” but that’s easier said than done. Monty has a skin infection and a milk allergy and as any parent knows taking a baby and toddler to the doctors is a nightmare. Ted decides he isn’t walking and has a full blown sit down protest outside the lifts, every Tom, dick and harry having a good look. Then monty’s name is called and he won’t come with me, I have to lure him like an animal from behind the sofa with my phone playing hey duggee which I know he can’t resist. He follows me like a possessed child into the doctors room and I can see the disapproval on everyone’s faces.

I am on maternity leave and I love being with my boys but I know I need to go back to work so that I can get some of myself back. Be Rachel for those 4 hours a day and not have the responsibility of all my other jobs of being a mum. A conversation last night wounded me. It was a discussion regarding ted going to pre school and me returning to work. Positively I said ” I need work for my mind and to have some normal conversation. I can’t just stay at home and be mum” The response I received was not what I was expecting… “wouldn’t bother me being at home, i could do it” it cut like a knife my response was blunt “well it’s hard when you have a child that can’t communicate!” As I walked off into the kitchen. There was no malice in that conversation or intention to destroy me but more ignorance and misunderstanding of what I go through on a daily basis.

Being a stay at home mum is always mentally exhausting and can be hard but with the addition of having a little boy that can not talk and even harder finds it difficult to communicate can be frustrating for both of us. The highs are great but the lows are tough. Seeing your baby unhappy, pushing you in the face because he is trying to tell you something is heart breaking and anyone that hasn’t been though that it’s difficult. Ted is amazing and he is always full of laughter when he is playing and doing what he wants to do which is great and that’s the side that family and friends see of ted so it’s hard when I try to explain my frustrations to people for them to understand the difficulties. But any parent knows that their kids are different at home when you have to tell them no or get them to do things that they don’t want to do. Yes life would be easier if I let him watch tv all day or let him play on his tablet from dawn till dusk but as a mum you have to teach them and bring them up to learn to try new things, be polite, partake in different activities and that’s difficult when you can’t explain the reason behind why were doing this.

Ted’s needs set aside I am noticing a deterioration in myself, like I’m losing my fight, like I’m accepting how I feel and I hate that. It’s a way of protection, Its my brains way of trying to not got deeper into depression where I lose my abilities to be a good mum, to look after my boys and that is a fear.

So… how can you help???

Not necessarily me but someone who is struggling and you sit their either over coffee or at a mum group or even in an everyday chat at a baby group…. listen!!!! Try to understand. Place yourselves in their shoes. You may be able to deal if their issues were part of your life but that doesn’t mean that their struggles aren’t real. I may be able to deal with a nonverbal child better than someone who has already got a child who speaks and their sibling may have difficulties but that’s me. We all have strengths and experiences but that doesn’t mean that I’m a better mum, it just means I’ve earned my stripes and i can cope. But someone else maybe able to deal mentally better with tantrums and physical behaviour, it all depends on the individual. Don't be so quick to judge, give advice or to dismiss. Try listening, ask of they need any help ask if there is anything you can do because they are more likely to open up more and feel more normal about what’s going on. Don't keep asking what YOUR going to do about it? What have YOU done? YOU should do this!! The issue with that is your placing all responsibility onto them. Making them the sole person responsible for fixing the issues which then isolates them further.

I don’t know the answer to my issues and I don’t know how they will be resolved and I can begin to feel like me again but I hope that my story will give others an insight into how rushing to respond to someone’s issues or giving matter of fact responses can do my harm than good. Don’t always think that because we have similar experiences we have the cast iron answers to fix the problem… maybe in some cases we do but most of the time its someone else’s reality and trying to understand their situation can teach us all more about life and also how being involved in the conversation and really listening can make us wiser and also be a little more understanding and kinder.