Keeping it together as a mum

When the mask slips

2018 has been a difficult time in the Gregory/Mason household. We are truly blessed for what we have and our little boy is the most precious person in our lives and gives us a reason to enjoy life. That is true and i am thankful everyday for this life i lead, however being a mum doesn’t stop me from being human. I have probably spent every day of the last 9 months crying and feeling low and wanting to just curl up in bed a wait for the internal pain to stop but unfortunate for us mums we have to pick ourselves up and carry on. As mentioned in previous posts we have experienced 2 miscarriages this year and the pain has still not gone away. Being an only child i want my little bear to have a sibling to grow up with and to have that partner in crime to get into trouble with, to fight with and to also have an Allie. But unfortunately for us as we experience that extreme joy of seeing those 2 positive lines, weeks later it is abruptly ripped away from us, along with all hope, happiness and our hearts. These emotions are expected and as were told “Our time will come”…… i can not explain to you how much I HATE these words. I understand that its a comment said with love, however it just cuts through like a knife and i’m sick of hearing it. What people don’t tell you when you go through this loss is that it takes your confidence away as a women, a wife and a mother. I feel that i fail in all areas of my life at the moment and my self esteem is at an all time low. I hate that i can not carry our new family member and i cant give my partner another child, that i cant give my boy a sibling and that i can not shift this self of emptiness. I don’t have many friends that i can confide in but have a wonderful colleague at work who is my saviour!!! She is more than a work mate she is my friend and i love her so much for how much time she has for me (It helps that she is a trained counsellor too!) We talk for hours regarding my well-being and mental health and it gives me some space to questions my negative thoughts and beliefs and validates my feeling which allows me to not feel so guilty for my emotions.

This is advice for anyone that may have not experienced this or know someone who is or has gone through a similar thing, VALIDATE THEIR FEELINGS!!!!!! I can not stress how important this is. When you are feeling extreme emotions and can not shift them, telling someone that they will get over it or that they are over reacting is the equivalent on dropping a 10 ton weight on their self esteem and well-being. All it does is make them feel worse for how they feel and makes them feel irrelevant. Whatever they are feeling is real to them and however they express their feeling is their way of coping, like someone may comfort eat, drink more or become angry. Its about working together and allowing them to work through their emotions in a positive and supported environment. Being a well-being worker i have all the skills to pass on to others and help them to work though their issues, however i struggle to put my own strategies into practice. i thinking with every profession we are better at giving the advice rather than following it though ourselves.

The issues with this is that it is easier to bury my emotions as my 20 month boy does not care that i hate myself and that i struggle to see the light through the trees, all he cares about it living life to the full and that gives me some solace as he isn’t yet picking up on my anguish and can enjoy being a toddler. But as every parent knows life goes on around us and the general housework and caring for the family has to continue. There is washing to be done, cleaning, tidying and making sure that the little ones are not destroying the house. It is easier for a parent to, as i call it be have “High functioning depression”. In my case i would be happy to just lock myself away and sink into that hole, however i have no choice when i hear my little bear cub singing away in his cot and using it a a trampoline in the morning, so we have to get up and start the day. That doesn’t mean that i hurt any less or i’m finding the struggle easier, it just means that i mask my depression and become numb. I am not dealing with my emotions and i am hiding behind my job role.

In addition to the miscarriage we have experienced a family death recently which hit me harder than i thought. I think that with my current emotional state, processing negative events is more difficult, however there are other people in the picture who are also dealing with grief and i need to try and deal with the emotions of others also. I am not taking on their emotions, however i have the skills with my job to be able to compartmentalise different aspects of this situations and focus on other people until the funeral… we will see how what happens to that approach after the funeral next week.

As any parent knows we worry about our children, are they happy, healthy are they developing, these are the usual things we do and even though we shouldn’t we compare the development of our children against other babies of a similar age. Since a about 6 months we have been doing this (even though i know we shouldn’t) but we have noticed some differences to our little boy to his peers. He is amazing, he is chilled like his dad and stubborn like his mum (and extremely good looking and charismatic like mummy!) however he doesn’t communicate. I am not talking about talking or using words, i mean communicating in any way. He doesn’t really cry, he doesn’t point or request anything. He is a really easy baby in the way that he is happy to just run up and down the corridor and giggle to himself. He is amazing at problem solving and can put nanny’s washing machine on for a spin cycle!!! This behaviour has led to being under a paediatrician and a speech therapist which is great as he is being monitored, however because he is so young its a wait and see approach. Anyone tat knows me i do not do WAIT and SEE!!! i’m just impatient, however as a mum i want to support him and give him the skills that help him to grow, so my issues on top of all of the drama going on in my life is that i am obsessed with researching strategies and techniques to support him and allow him to communicate his wants and needs. We have enrolled him into nursery for two days a week to socialise him and we are seeing great improvements after a couple of weeks and he loves it. As money is tight its an additional worry with the cost of nursery extortionate be he is worth it. So with this in mind my latest fad is to turn teds bedroom into a sensory room to allow him to focus on play.

My life is one big worry at the moment as everything seems to have been taken out of my hands, there is nothing i could have done about any of the experiences i have encountered over the last year which just adds to the frustration. i’m a doer!!! if i cant makes strides to fix things i cant cope, i struggle to live my life as a “lets just see what happens” i make things happen and do my best to make things work, if they don’t then that is fine, i can deal with that, but when life takes control and i’m left in limbo with my hands behind my back i crumble and that’s where i am now.

I hope that 2019 will show some light at the end of the tunnel for my worries and lifts my mood. I know that life can be tough and i am thankful for what i have, but i need to grieve for all my losses and to have hope because life without hope is hard, its long and unfulfilling.

A Final Note…

This may sound like a negative blog, however its a reminder that as a mum we are more than a provider, we are humans. We have ups and we have downs and we sometimes need support to conquer the everyday worries and fears we have being a parent. Life does continue and we know that, there are always jobs that need to be done, however spending some time with a person that if weighed by the weight of the world can provide that person with some light, a way of validating their feelings in a way that allows them to be mindful of what they have around them. If you see someone struggling LISTEN. give them the time to speak. Don’t think you have to respond with a positive quote or optimism, just listen to their issues and allow them to feel them. Maybe take some of the stresses of the daily grind away from them so they feel they are allowed to just be human for a while, not a mum or a partner or a provider just a human being who is doing amazing and achieved so much. As Christmas is approaching my feelings this year is to give time, give support and to give love because they are the things that really matter and are priceless.