Putting on a Smile (When your dying inside)
- Rachel Mason
- Jan 11, 2017
- 8 min read
Updated: Feb 23, 2024
You are only fooling yourself
The hardest thing anyone has to do is to ‘FAKE’ being OK to our friends, family, work or even to the postman. It has been ingrained in us that not coping or having a down day is a sign of weakness or even worse that we need to pull ourselves together. Well i’m here to say after hearing every negative response that having a dark day or ‘Episode’ i like to call it is OK, its more than OK it part of bloody life for a person with mental health and to be honest it is a part of life for everyone. Anyone that can just pull themselves together and not be affected at the sign of a challenge or an unexpected event must be supernatural and should have their genes investigated for superhero qualities as life happens and we all approach life lessons from different angles.
There are days when that dark cloud is hanging over you and you don’t want to face the world but you drag yourself out of bed and face the day and why do you do that???? because you have to or you have family that depends on you or a big meeting. Just because depression, low self esteem, anxiety, bipolar etc affect you, you will always find a way of putting a smile on your face and getting on with it even though you the pressure cooker inside is reaching breaking point. We have been told that people who suffer with mental health issues (no matter how slight or severe it is to us personally) can not function in society and cant work or be in social situation resulting in being recluses and segregated in society. Even though in extreme cases this is true, there are many Mothers, fathers, bosses, teachers and politicians that are key figures in society and the reason for this is that when you have a condition that you are trying to control and not allow to engulf you, you tend to push yourself further to be apart of daily life because you want to prove that you are not weak and that you can cope. This is a powerful message to people that do not suffer with mental health issues however can also have an adverse affect on how people perceive us.
We spend so much time pretending that we are fine and hiding our issues we forget that when we do crack we need the people we care about us to understand how to support us and also to identify the signs of an occurring ‘episodes’. I am stubborn, always have been and will always be but have have a best friend and partner who are my knights in shining armour who can identify when i’m reaching the cliff edge, and they begin to monitor the situation whether that is with a text to check in or taking on extra chores around the house, it all helps. Don’t get me wrong, the two people in question are men and to be honest you can imagine how long it took for them to understand my issues. i have blips where i have self harming thoughts and do silly things but they are much more controlled because i know i have support, if i need to spend a couple of hours crying on the sofa being cuddled then i get it or i need some tough love from my best friend then he is there. The one thing i have learnt and i urge everyone who is like me to follow my lead is to stop being so proud and stubborn and open up and say “I’M HAVING A BAD DAY I NEED HELP AND THIS IS WHAT I NEED YOU TO DO!!!”
As women, especially, but everyone is guilty of this at some point, is that we expect people to just know what we feel or need and actually we have spent so long pretending we don’t have issues or that we are strong and unbreakable we have put up this facade which is understandably a barrier to anyone knowing how to support you when your in need. Before i go into this not everyone will be willing to learn, listen or accept what you are going to say you may encounter the following issues/people
Uneducated and stubborn people that are not willing to learn about the affects of mental health and tell you “its all in your head!!!” I have met these people and they make my blood boil.
Some people don’t have the knowledge but are open minded enough to listen and learn and this could be because they care about you and even though it takes time, just want to understand how they can help
Even if your surrounded by modern people who have the knowledge of mental health conditions, DO NOT EXPECT them to know what your needs are as these are very different from person to person.
The latter is my boyfriend, he is amazing now but i could of killed him in the early days as i would lock myself away for hours and hours and he would just leave me. I couldn’t understand why he would ignore me when he could see i was in great distress i am begrudged him for this. After peaking to him he told me ” i thought you needed space” when actually all i wanted was attention, comfort and a cuddle. This is why i say DO NOT EXPECT people to know what to do because what you see as a logical approach would not even cross the mind of the supporter. After many episodes, some worse than others i actually sat down with my boyfriend with lots of tears and was blunt with what i wanted. I have compiled a list of things that i included during this discussion which i think are integral to gaining the support needed and also teaching someone how they can support you.
Write and send them a letter prior to talking face to face that explains your feelings and an honest insight into what you have been through. I love this as i hate confrontation and i think it is easier to get everything you want to say down on paper without feeling guilty or defensive about your feelings. Also a great bonus of this is you are given the other person time to read the whole letter and to process the information. They may need to read it a few times to get there head around it. Be honest about how there reactions may have hurt you in the past and the importance of them understanding and support.
Sit somewhere with no distraction and somewhere mutual that you both feel comfortable and you wont be disturbed. (There is no use starting the conversation whilst waiting in the drive through at Starbucks as neither of your attentions will be focused on the task in hand). Either a bedroom, living room, car or Park if you like the outdoors, its all about being in an environment that makes you both comfortable and have the option of leaving the room at some point to get fresh air and think before continuing.
Set out the rules from the start such as do not interrupt when someone is talking, be respectful when opening up. DO NOT JUDGE- this is the most important as neither of you should judge the other and should approach it with open minds. You should not be laughed at because you act a different way or belittled for feeling a certain way. If this is the case i can only stress that “This person should not be in your life or if it is a family member, their right to be emotionally involved in your life should be null and void and wasting your time trying to explain your issues or needs is no longer of importance to you as it will set you back in your development and destroy your self confidence. Simply erase any worry of their comments from your mind as they are not respecting or valuing you the way that you have valued them.” (This is from experience but you judge each situation as it arises)
Be honest with what you need and be specific. Whether you need a cuddle when your low or that you need extra fuss to build up your own self esteem, make sure you cover all eventualities. For example when i say “I’m having a down day” what i need is a brew, cuddle and extra fuss. What i say extra fuss, i need an hour when i’m the focus and asked about my day, how i’m feeling, is there anything i need. Each person is different but this is my first point of call when i’m feeling low and my partner knows this (not all the time does he do it initially but most of the time). Explain how your issues make you feel and be honest. I had to open up about my feelings of self harming and how i didn’t want to do it but i get over whelmed sometimes and i just to punish myself because i hate myself so much. The other person needs to have a true explanation of how you feel and what you go though. IF it is shocking or disturbing then you need to say it, hiding things wont give you the support you need. It may be the first time you have ever spoken about what is going on in your head and you feel stupid but they need to hear it if they are going to support you.
Address previous behaviours or responses and how they have been unhelpful/helpful. This is a great way of taking control of what you need. If you can give examples of unhelpful or helpful responses in the past this will allow them to understand how they may have not been the most supportive in the past (maybe unknowingly) and they can address and change their behaviour in the future. IF this person loves you and you want them to be a big player in your well being then you have to trust that they will make the effort to support you and you believe that they have your best interest at heart.
Remember to thank them for being understanding and listening to you. That also goes hand in hand later down the line when you have had an ‘episode’ and reviewing how they helped you and also reminding them of any other needs that need supporting if the situation rises again.
Just remember that suffering with your mental health issues on your own may make your feel you have control over it but your head is a very dangerous and lonely place for you to be. You can’t always get rid of the thoughts in your head or the issues that go hand in hand with a mental issue but easing the pressure of dealing with it on your own and allowing the people you trust to support you when things get too bad will make you feel even stronger, because you know that you are taking control of it instead of hiding the pain under a plentiful of smiles.
The Final word- take control and eliminate people that bring you down.
I’ve put on enough fake smiles to know that you are only hurting yourself with this facade and you should value the strength you have earned from living with a mental health issue on a daily basis. You have proved that your are strong and that your are a fighter which is epic, however its now time to allow people to support you in the way that you are supporting others around you. It is very easy to play the martyr, but that’s not you, you are someone who takes control of your own life and eliminate people that add not value to your well being because life is way to short to not encase yourself with people that will enrich your life.
Comentarios