Why can life seem so unkind?

Nearly one year on from becoming a mum for the first time i realised once i had put the bear cub in bed and boyfriend stuck at work, that i hadn’t written in a while and its about time that i offloaded and put my thoughts to paper (technically the digital equivalent). the past year has had its ups and downs like everyone else and considering i struggle with my emotions i have been able to utilise my CBT therapy and battle through the other side. When your a mum you have no choice and you have to now think about what is best for your child as he doesn’t care that i am weighed down and struggling to cope, all he wants is a smile and someone to care for him. Throughout my life i have struggled with depression, low self esteem and anxiety (but many people would not of noticed) and have been knocked down more times than i care to mention, however i consider myself more of a functioning depressive as i always went to school, work, parties, smiled at the right joke, cheered for the winning goal and performed at the show, however, behind close doors i would crumble and punish myself for who i was. Everyone deals with their struggles in different way and you should never be ashamed of it. Some people have no control and the world just becomes dark and they can not function or feel anything for themselves or anyone around them, some people have that ‘ kitchen floor reset’ where no matter how hard you try, your emotions take over all at one time and you can do nothing more than slump to the floor and feel helpless or lock yourself in your car and just scream. Whichever way you let it out, grieve, fall or just give up, it is your own way of dealing with it and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

Today i received some bad new regarding a family member which tore my heart out and made me question life. Only a few months ago we were struck with the dreaded “C” word that my family member was terminal, however was responding well and should have 1 year to live. Being the bubbly person they were they grasped onto that hope and just started to live life even more than they had done before. They had plans for the next 12 months and was making sure that they left this world fight and being ever more so fabulous as they were….. however, a couple of month on we receive a phone call that they had gone downhill quite quickly and had passed. Devastated, i just couldn’t understand how life could be so unkind to have given them this life limiting illness and then cut short the time they had left to write their final chapter. I try to be a positive person and part or my recovery was to look into Buddhism and how the writings encase the essence of life happens and tests are put in our way to challenge us and to teach us. Don’t get my wrong, i am hurting like hell and the world has lost a FABULOUS person and that is grief that i need to deal with, however it has evoke a lot of reflection and ask the question “Why is life so cruel?”.

I believe that all the challenges we face are there to test us and give us something to learn from, for me, its to cherish each day and give my family that extra long hug each night and tell that i love the,. We have to remember that death is the only thing in life that is certain, however in this country we are TERRIBLE at talking about it or facing it. We don’t like to plan, we don’t like to talk about our wishes but its about time we did. I want to know how my loved ones want to be laid to rest and on the flip side i want my family to know how much i love them. Being a mum i’m terrified of not being able to see my son grow up and not having any memories of the good times together, so I’ve written him a letter, I’ve made family albums and little scarp books. I take LOADS of photos so that there is always something there for him to look at and vice versa. I don’t want to live my life with regret or spend my last days trying to record memories and thought/feelings. I want to be able to enjoy quality time laughing and not worrying that there will be know legacy of my existence.

This then led me onto people i know, close family and friends that spend their lives waiting for the right moment and putting their hopes and dreams off for a later date. i must confess “I AM A COMPLETE PLANNER” too much to be honest and that is part of the reason for some of my precious ill health. I like to plan for the future and do things at the right time and follow traditions but life can not be planned and if it does, it has a funny way of turning it all on its head. my boyfriend is the ying to my yang as he lives life daily, doesn’t worry about money and takes life at face value. It has got him into trouble before but together we balance each other out and we all need that person in our lives to balance us out. I believe that life is about living and you just have to go with your gut and do what your heart is telling you. whether you are saving up for a house or studying for dream job or even have a dream of travelling the world, DO IT NOW!!!! just like the Ronan Keaton classic “If tomorrow never comes” what if it doesn’t? would you have regrets? would you wish that you had done things earlier? would you have wished you hadn’t saved all that money for a rainy day and gone on that world cruise? no-one should have to have that burden on their death bed when it could have been done today. Do not think that i am saying that on your death bed you wont have “ifs or buts” because that inevitable, however you can at least say that you lived your life (Your way), you had your independence, you enjoyed the times that you had and had a fabulous time. Money does make the world go round however it doesn't make us, it doesn't define who we are or does it save us from the heartache of life. Yes it makes life easier and it also can make the good times even better, but living a life without making memories or developing ones self, sharing quality time making memories to laugh about when we reflect is more enriching than have money sitting in a bank account, gathering interest for that rainy day that may never come.

I know many people who have put off staking the next steps in their life, whether it is because they are scared of taking the next steps in their life or they are waiting for the right moment, let me make it simple “THE TIME IS NOW” stop worrying about everyone else and focus on what you want, what you need and finding who you are. I am privileged to have not experienced much loss in my life and as i get older i see more of the heartbreak that is left behind. I fear for my own family and how i will deal with that day, how i will go on or how i will function, however, i have to accept that death will happen and if i can learn to put more into my life and living it and also giving back to my community and help others then it makes the terrible times a little easier to deal with because it reminds me of how fragile life can be.

I had a conversation the other day about wanting to add to my family, and i heard myself back saying  “but do we want a December baby?” WHAT?????? i was back to planning and forgot the devastation we had previously of miscarrying our first child. Why should i play god with life and why do i think i should have the privilege of creating life around my own timetable. If we want another baby then we should commit to trying ans see where it takes us. There are plenty of people who would love another child or a child at all and can not conceive and if i want to take on this challenge then i should just do it and see what happens. We may be lucky, we may not but at least we tried and that is all i can do and i can live with that.

Conclusion

All i can say is and mind the advertising pun “Just do it!!!” unless there is a logical and concrete reason why you are holding off something you really want then just take the jump and see what happens. we are always told to plan and be careful and there is plenty of time to grow up and be an adult, Well let me give you this to think about… whether personally or in the media, we have seen too many people who have lost their lives too young, not had chance or the luxury to achieve all the things they wanted or should. Learn from these unfortunate events and live your life to the full in honour of the people that couldn’t. Help your fellow neighbour, show more compassion, be more kind to others, complain less, kiss and hug your loved ones for longer and LOVE YOURSELF. Your the one that has to love with yourself so give yourself the life you deserve and be the best possible you.